Will you put me on the bus?

I was raised to believe that women can have it all.  Great job.  Smart kids.  Handsome husband.  Nice house.  Ok, so I have that now.   But what I wasn’t told was the price I would have to pay.   What is the price?

The disappointment in my daughter’s face when I tell her I need to leave the house early and will be unable to send her off to school at the bus stop.  Some may think that is a small price to pay.  However, the sight of my disappointed daughter standing behind the glass door as I pull out of the driveway, eats at me the remainder of the day.  I worry that this encounter will scar or damage her in some way.  This triggers a flood of thoughts…..

“This situation could be avoided if I just quit my office job and stay home.”

That thought is always  followed with the realization, “we wouldn’t be living in this neighborhood if I had given up my job.”

“But isn’t being home to get my children on and off the bus, regardless of where we live, more important to their overall well-being.”

Somewhere in this train wreck of thought, I wonder if tonight is Mega Millions Lotto night and what numbers I should pick or should I just let the machine pick them for me.  Winning the lotto would surely fix this problem.   After my “Cybil” moment passes, I am often left more upset and confused.

My children, my husband and I have it much easier than most.  On days when I am not working from home, either my parents or my in-laws are home for them.  We never sent the kids to daycare or before care of after care.  So why should I feel guilty that several mornings or afternoons I will not be the last and first face at the bus stop?  I feel guilty because I want it all and my children in some way are becoming the fruit of my actions.  I can only hope that my daughter will admire my committment in trying to retain all that I worked so hard for without denying my motherly duties.   I hope my son will respect my drive and one day support his mate in whatever decision she makes without regret.

Maybe I can have it all.

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3 thoughts on “Will you put me on the bus?

  1. In my business of psychology there is a saying – “Just do the best you can and then start saving up for their therapy” (as we are bound to screw up our kids in SOME way). It is said tongue and cheek but conveys and important reality – there is only so much we can control and what is most important is that we can convey empathy to our children for the disappointments we cannot prevent. Most kids just need “good enough” as opposed to “perfect” parenting to flourish.

    • Linda….when is “a good time” to have my children book their therapy session with you?
      Seriously, I worry about the pressures I place on myself and how it will affect the kids. It’s ironic that this all stems from just wanting to give them the opportunities that will help them suceced and be good human beings. I really appreciate your insight. Maybe we need such reminders every now and then.

  2. We do all need reminders as there is so much pressure on parents to do the “right thing” which varies tremendously depending upon who you talk to. We all know that the goal is to have a healthy child but no one tells us how to do that – or everyone tells us how to do that but no one agrees! It takes time to figure out what seems to be the best balance for parents and kids in terms of work, activities, schedules, etc. The fact that you care so much and that you are thinking about the pros/cons of your choices is the best gift you can give to your kids and, in my opinion, will go a long way in repairing the temporary disappointments our children experience.

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