I was raised to believe that women can have it all. Great job. Smart kids. Handsome husband. Nice house. Ok, so I have that now. But what I wasn’t told was the price I would have to pay. What is the price?
The disappointment in my daughter’s face when I tell her I need to leave the house early and will be unable to send her off to school at the bus stop. Some may think that is a small price to pay. However, the sight of my disappointed daughter standing behind the glass door as I pull out of the driveway, eats at me the remainder of the day. I worry that this encounter will scar or damage her in some way. This triggers a flood of thoughts…..
“This situation could be avoided if I just quit my office job and stay home.”
That thought is always followed with the realization, “we wouldn’t be living in this neighborhood if I had given up my job.”
“But isn’t being home to get my children on and off the bus, regardless of where we live, more important to their overall well-being.”
Somewhere in this train wreck of thought, I wonder if tonight is Mega Millions Lotto night and what numbers I should pick or should I just let the machine pick them for me. Winning the lotto would surely fix this problem. After my “Cybil” moment passes, I am often left more upset and confused.
My children, my husband and I have it much easier than most. On days when I am not working from home, either my parents or my in-laws are home for them. We never sent the kids to daycare or before care of after care. So why should I feel guilty that several mornings or afternoons I will not be the last and first face at the bus stop? I feel guilty because I want it all and my children in some way are becoming the fruit of my actions. I can only hope that my daughter will admire my committment in trying to retain all that I worked so hard for without denying my motherly duties. I hope my son will respect my drive and one day support his mate in whatever decision she makes without regret.
Maybe I can have it all.